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Video transcript

It has been a joyous journey on this course with you all. We hope you have got as much from this course as we have. Never forget that your voice and your story are valuable 🥰

We also shared our Bill of Rights with you in the session, adapted from Rockpool’s Sexual Violence Recovery Toolkit. Here it is, for you to always have. We hope this can serve as a continuous reminder of what we deserve: respect, privacy, peace, safety, and freedom.

(adapted from Rockpool's Sexual Violence Recovery Toolkit)

I have the right to freedom from fear of abuse

I have the right to request and expect assistance from police and social care agencies

I have the right to want a better role model of communication for my children

I have the right to raise my children in safety

I have the right to be treated like an adult, and with respect

I have the right to leave the abusive environment

I have the right to develop individual talents and abilities

I have the right to prosecute and get protection through the law from my abusing partner

I have the right to earn and control my own finances

I have the right to make my own decisions about my own life

I have the right to be believed and valued

I have the right to love and be loved in return

Abuse can happen to anyone — and it’s never our fault. In this course, we discuss abusive tactics, the cycle of coercive control, the science of trauma, and how abuse can affect our boundaries, relationships, and coping mechanisms. We empower ourselves to build positive self-esteem with tools such as journaling, somatic practice, and creating a sense of community. This course was recorded in 2021 and has been re-edited for release. Some of the video quality isn't up to our Bloom standard, but the course contains our usual high-quality, trauma-informed content to support your healing journey. 

Recovering from toxic and abusive relationships

Week 1: Anyone can be abused

Week 2: Why we stay — the mind and body in abuse

Week 3: Discovering our self

Week 4: What abuse is really about

Week 5: Difficult emotions

Week 6: Staying, leaving, coping, and what happens next

Week 7: Relationships and reflections

Overview

In this final session, the team is here to recap what we have learned - including returning to our 4 key facts about abuse with new understanding, share our favourite insights and reflections, anticipate new beginnings in healing and recovery, and say our goodbyes. 

Final reflections

Welcome - to our final session of Bloom’s course for ‘Recovering from Toxic and Abusive Relationships’. If you’re watching, that means you’ve made it to the end of our sessions! It almost feels like we should do a toast -- maybe we should’ve gotten some glasses of water or tea and said “cheers” through the screen! 🥂

This is Aiman, Beatriz, Dina, Flora, Nooreen, Tiffany, and Zoë ALL here with you today! And we're honestly all independently astonished by all the material we've covered, and everything we've learned and shared through your insights and one-on-one talks. It’s not just us teaching you, after all. 

Because this course is a conversation, it means we’re able to expand our own base of knowledge through your stories and engagement. You matter so much to us here, and to other survivors in the future. And you should be beyond proud of yourself for all you’ve overcome - just by pressing play on these videos. 

We can’t stress enough that making it here truly is an achievement that you should take pride in. Your natural inclination might be to downplay this success. You might be thinking - ‘well I just watched the videos’, ‘I didn’t do all the activities’, ‘I didn’t pay full attention to all of the videos’ or maybe ‘it took me a really long time to get through some of the sessions so it’s not a big deal’. But, if you’ll allow us to challenge that self-critical thought for a moment - this honestly is a big deal! You are working through these sessions while managing your own busy lives, intrusive thoughts, fears - and you are being introspective, just by being open to listening to what we’ve presented. This took courage and it took strength. You’re doing great things for yourself and you're worthy of our praise.

Let’s start with our final grounding exercise of the season... 

Let’s get moving! Movement can really help ground us in the present. So, if you can, stand up. If not, sit up straight in your chair. Now shake your feet- and legs- and finally, your arms. Shake it off like if you were a dog coming out of a lake.

Okay, I see some really good shaking over there, yeah. And now, our final fun question: do you play an instrument? If not, what would you like to play if you could play any instrument? 

Well I used to play piano and guitar. I haven't touched any of those in 10 years so, it would be really nice to start playing again. What about you Dina? 

I'm the same. I used to play piano since, I think, I was four and I remember like, during my level, instead of studying I was playing piano. But suddenly, out of the sudden after that, you just stop playing and it's been a while since I touched the piano. I kind of miss it. What about you Aiman?

So, I didn't play anything for the longest time but last year once the lockdown started, I think I ordered a ukulele and I started learning it through like, YouTube videos. And it's been really fun so far. I feel like I'm not playing as much anymore but like right at the start I was like playing every single day for like hours, because I was like, I will learn this. What about you Flora? 

I love the ukulele as well. I started playing guitar probably when I was about four years old and then I think, as my older brother played. But my dream was to play the saxophone, so I pestered my parents and pestered them and pressed them, and they finally got me a saxophone, very generously. So, I've played the saxophone for over 10 years now, jazz saxophone. And I also love to sing. But if I could play any instrument I wish I'd learned the piano. Apparently I wasn't interested as a child but now I really wish I could play that, so maybe one day I'll learn, but yeah. How about you Tiffany? 

I haven't played this in so long, maybe a decade even, the bass guitar. I wish I had learned how to read sheet music but I had learned and picked it up because I liked what it sounded like and I would copy what I saw, what was happening with people's fingers and listening. But if I could go at it again, I would, I should commit to learning to play, to listen, to learn the sheet music on how to play it that way. What about you Zoë? 

I love that! I had no idea you played bass guitar, that's so awesome. I played piano when I was a kid from when I was maybe 7 to 15. I also, when I was in secondary school, so like 16 17, I was really lucky, I got the chance to play the cello. But because when I started learning then, I was in with like all of the beginners, so like, I remember we had like a little recital and it was like me at age 17 and then all the like you know 11-12 year olds. But I loved it, it was so much fun. And I also sing but if I could, if I could learn how to play an instrument I think it would be the guitar. I think it's so cool like so many different songs you can learn and yeah, just the style is really awesome, so yeah. Nooreen, what about yourself?

Oh the cello sounds awesome. By the way like even with kids around it just sounds very beautiful. That would be really nice to learn. I never really learned an instrument growing up but I played the recorder and at school just like I think yeah, most, everyone learned to play the recorder at school. But I think of one instrument, if I want to learn one instrument, it'd definitely be the ukulele. So, Aiman I'm going to like message you to send me all the how-to-learn-it-yourself at-home videos; that would be really nice. I'm really eager to learn the ukulele so hopefully that's something I get onto this year.

Yeah, so let's get started, we’re at the end of our course, but to start off our content for this session, we want to take you back in time to when you first joined us here at Bloom. Do you remember those 4 key facts that we mentioned, that very first day, as we all prepared for the journey ahead? 

If you’d like to try and refresh your memory before we go on, and maybe try to answer this last-minute pop quiz, we’ll let you pause here and write down your answers in our ever-familiar thought diaries. Ready?

You are not to blame for your abuse - your abuser would be abusive with anyone! 

Abuse is a CHOICE. Abusers mistreat, disregard, and take advantage of the body, being, and/or feelings of the person in their care - because they want to separate themselves from their own feelings of fear or shame. They decide that it is better to deflect and reflect what they are afraid of in themselves on to someone close to them, to someone who is vulnerable to their criticisms and influence - and they create the conditions to exert this force. 

 Anyone can be abused - this is a societal problem that impacts us worldwide, and it is 

 about what you deserve as an individual.

To return to our definition, whether abuse is physical, sexual, emotional, financial, a kind of neglect or honour-based violence, it can be defined as: “the repeated, random, and habitual use of intimidation to control a partner or family member - regardless of gender or sexuality.” It occurs in any relationship where one person must change how they act, what they believe, or how they think to match the wishes of another because of intimidation or fear. When we’re made to tiptoe around the moods of the person we’re with to prevent them from hurting us, getting upset, or lashing out, that’s abuse. 

Abuse is about control, and it is reflected in the communities who are at greatest risk to be used by those in power; but we can all be hurt and manipulated, and we should not be responsible or ashamed for the actions of another. Unfortunately, abuse can and does happen to anyone.

 It is not your fault when you stay - some of us cannot leave, and we also psychologically and traumatically bond with our abusers; that attention is ADDICTIVE. Abusers use tactics that fall within a cycle of control, coercion and fear to keep us dependent; these are the same methods of control that work on soldiers during war! The reason we return is never because we are weak, stupid, or wrong - there are many emotional and physical tactics abusers use to get us to stay and to come back. 

Coercion is powerful. Coercive control - the subtle implication or violation, humiliation, or shame - is absolutely abuse. Threats and fear-tactics do not have to be direct or obvious to be effective, as they often make us feel crazy, and create chaotic environments. It makes us feel silenced, and less likely to reach out. 

In coercion, we are Threatened, Isolated, Humiliated, and Exhausted in compliance. 

And it is not wrong that we have the instinct, in every relationship, to want or to seek out love - to be loving, forgiving, or valued. 

 The ways you feel or behave are all adaptations you’ve made to keep yourself alive. This includes our decreased sense of self-confidence and self-esteem. The behaviours, reactions, and feelings that are hard to deal with, that make you feel terrible, have actually in many ways been keeping you safe in your home. You adapted them inherently, because you are smart and brave. You have foresight. You have used survival techniques to cope with abuse and protect yourself from harm, and to live the best you can in a toxic space. Even if these behaviours didn’t always stop the abuse from happening, you have been making the right choices to be well, in the ways that you can. 

But there are still ways you can attend to yourself, to feel better, and to reaffirm your dignity. 

We want to bring together some of our understanding by coming back to this idea of moving forward into the future together, the upcoming “beyond the course” moment - that great unknown. There’s a quote we’d like to frame this discussion, related to the work of Jonathan Gottschall. The quote is: "Human beings are the animals who tell stories." 

As people, when we try to make sense of who we are, we look to what has happened before. We construct narratives of past experiences. When we've survived trauma and abuse, it makes so much sense that we ground our sense of self and reality in those things that have happened to us: as they've shaped so much of how we've lived, behaved, and been. And what is unknown - like the future, and who we are in that future, or who we are with - feels impossible to picture without our past, or the important people in it. It’s the same way it would be harder to read the middle of the book without the beginning. 

When it comes to healing from trauma and building resilience, so much of the work comes in wondering how we can build a life that isn't in the shadow of that story of pain we know. How do we shape our identities outside of our history, when we organise our identities around that earlier start? 

It feels like being in that dark night of abuse - everything blank and unknown and uncertain. 

In response, let’s talk about language. Although we don’t all come from the same cultures or regions of the world, in many Romance-based languages, such as Spanish, we treat the past as something that is "behind us". In fact, different languages use many different axes to represent time: for example, in Mandarin Chinese, the vertical axis can be used to express time that is before and after the present moment. 

But for languages that express the past as something “behind us”, this type of metaphorical language structure disregards the ways that our past is not actually "behind" us - it is actually the only thing we can properly see. The past is what we know. It's actually what’s in FRONT of us. Our memories are what we understand, as well as the people within those memories. They’re what we see, know, anticipate. It's the 

 that’s really “behind” us, in that it’s out of sight, impossible to imagine away from our beginnings.

To process what this means, it’s time for another slightly odd science fact: let’s think about the placement of our eyes. Because we have two eyes at the centre of our heads, we are also better at looking at what is immediately in front of us. Unlike animals who have eyes on the sides of their skulls to look out for predators, with their peripheral vision, we zoom in on what is in focus. We get rid of room for anything else - just what we see. 

So, it is easier for human beings to think about and feel and know that same “darkness” that might be clearest. As a metaphor, we’re just zooming in on our past - the only thing in front of us that we can bring into focus. 

That’s why, as we consider our own stories outside of abuse, a survivor’s job becomes to: 

1) Accept that we are not defined by our past, it's just the part of our life that we can see the most clearly - it’s what is right in front of us; and so we shouldn’t blame ourselves for the moments we feel weakened by it. Instead, we should be active and mindful of surrounding ourselves with what is good - so we can see it, and take it with us into that “future”.

2) Don’t exhaust ourselves. Just put the work in with small steps, day by day. Move into that dark, even in fear, by using the tools we’ve learned to stay grounded, surrounding ourselves with kindness, and practicing this kindness in ourselves.

Some days we don’t feel like investing in our recovery. And some days, our tools don’t feel as good as they usually do. This, too, is normal. Recovery does not require perfection. But we can learn to trust in ourselves and in the process of recovery. It reminds me [Zoë] of a quote from one of my favourite TV shows, ‘Bojack Horseman’, that I think I’ve shared with a couple people over live chat. In it, Bojack, the main character, is trying to put himself on a healthier path in life, away from addiction, and get through a rough patch, so he tries to get into running. On his first run he is so exhausted that he gives up. A runner he sees go by his house all the time helps him up, and says: "It gets easier. Every day, it gets a little easier. But you gotta do it every day — that’s the hard part. But it does get easier."

Although what is unknown to us is scary - because the future is hard when it's different, and our 

response naturally kicks in! - we don’t have to stay in the story of what happened. We aren't actually in a book, even if it's easy to think of our lives that way. We can decide what our stories are, and what they mean for ourselves. We are not defined by abuse or our abusers. We are someone in ourselves. 

As we move beyond Bloom together, remind yourself: “I am not bound to any history, even if that history is the one I know.” Also, “I can be curious and explore and build towards things that feel right to me, and cut off what or who feels wrong. I have ways to keep myself safe. I can name what is wrong and what is good for me.” 

As we talk about this great metaphor of darkness, there was actually a quote in a story that Alyson, a former Bloom facilitator who wrote this course, put here that sums this all up nicely and neatly. If you’ll forgive us for putting in another quote! This appeared in an article by a woman named Nora Feely. It was about sickness and healing from fear of her cancer diagnosis, but I feel it applies well here. She said: "I named what terrified me and dragged it all into the light."

So, what are those 4 key facts we always want you to drag into the light, no matter how foreign they can feel at times? What did our course teach you? 

We aren’t going to say them aloud for you this time. Instead, repeat them to and for yourself. Drag your fears and unknowns into that light - through the stars in your dark sky - and not only remember, but feel, value, and know inherently - in every part of your person - that you are - have been - and will always be incredible. 

Instead of our 4 facts, we’re going to recite our Bill of Rights. We want to share this together - and to reassure you of what you deserve. To everyone on this course:

You have the right to freedom from fear of abuse 

You have the right to request and expect assistance from police and social care agencies 

You have the right to want a better role model of communication for your children 

You have the right to raise your children in safety 

You have the right to be treated like an adult, and with respect 

You have the right to leave the abusive environment 

You have the right to develop individual talents and abilities 

You have the right to prosecute and get protection through the law from your abusing partner 

You have the right to earn and control your own finances 

You have the right to make your own decisions about your own life 

You have the right to be believed and valued 

You have the right to love and be loved in return 

You have the right to put yourself first 

You matter. You have worth. An abuser’s inability to see it is a problem with their vision, not because you are insignificant.

All we hope to have done is to help you get to a place where you can feel better, be safer - or understand your own brilliant qualities - with the tools and information to cope along the way. 

That being said, it's time for us to say our goodbyes. 

From the bottom of our hearts, we want to thank everyone for being a part of this course. We are honoured to have had this experience with you - showing up to heal, grow, learn, and challenge yourself in incredible ways. 

Now, get your rest! Take your time to process everything we’ve talked about and don’t be hard on yourself if these things continue to feel difficult. Remember that healing does not have an expiration date. Or as one of you wrote to us, it can feel like recovery has an ‘imaginary deadline’. It doesn’t. And it is not a marathon, either. Things may go slowly, and sometimes backward, but trust in yourself that you will make it forward at your own pace.

Know that we are over here celebrating you so please make sure to celebrate yourself! 

Stay informed, keep empowered, and be well. We will continue to cherish you and all we’ve shared.

Just celebrate the end of the course! You can continue reflecting on what we’ve learned here throughout the course - what have you learned that is most valuable to you? What sticks with you? What do you remember? Put those answers in your night sky, and keep those lights shining against the unknown dark. 

We’d also encourage you to keep on with your thought diaries. They are valuable tools to keep yourself oriented in your own story and truths.

Thank you everyone for coming to this session and showing up for yourself and others who are here because they know they are not alone. We’re in this together. 

Thank you so much everyone. We hope to see you soon. 