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Transcripción del video

Bonus Content: Reflections on trust building 

We explore the social context of image-based abuse and learn tools for processing our emotions, understanding our responses, and healing from trauma. We remind ourselves that we are not to blame. 

Image-based abuse and rebuilding ourselves

Week 1

Week 2

Week 3

Week 4

Week 5

Week 6

Week 7

Overview

We discuss how feelings of betrayal and anger show up when we experience image-based abuse, how we can trust again, and how we can use the tools of reflection and curiosity to engage with our emotions.

Betrayal and anger

Mini-session

Two of the emotions we want to talk about are betrayal and anger. Let’s start with 

When someone we trust takes, shares, or threatens to share our intimate visuals, it’s natural to feel betrayed. Or maybe someone hacked our device and stole our data, took intimate pictures of us in a public space, or sent us explicit images. In those cases too, we can feel betrayed, and that’s okay. 

Anyone who victim-blamed us, dismissed our trauma or abandoned us has also betrayed us. This can include loved ones, but it can also be strangers on the internet or in person, who laugh at our pain, share our visuals, or abuse us. Seeing them support the abuse or the abuser, rather than us, can be especially painful. 

And then there is the betrayal of the systems that exist to protect us but instead let us down; from the legal system that doesn’t hold the abuser accountable, to the social media platforms that don’t respond to our complaints, to the press that doesn’t report our story properly, to the websites that aren’t taking the images down. Perhaps we feel betrayed by the universe, and that’s okay. 

Betrayal fundamentally impacts our ability to 

. In our process of healing, it’s important to start rebuilding trust in both others and ourselves. We’ll discuss this in more detail in 

 But for now, we want to equip you with a quick technique. 

 start by identifying if we no longer trust others. 

If trauma is the source of our mistrust and our behaviours are protective reactions, then we can stop blaming ourselves. This reflection can be empowering in itself. Let’s consider an example. Our colleague asks for our photograph so they can upload it on the company website. But we don’t trust anyone with our pictures because of prior experiences or because we are afraid of being further exposed.

Paz: Next, we need to connect with the here and now. 

This is hard. But knowing that our distrust is due to our trauma we can now try to unknot the past from the present. What can help us feel safer? Perhaps, we can ask management to confirm this picture is really needed. It is also ok to say no. We have the right to our images and can decide where these should or should not be posted.

After we identify that this is a new situation, 

we can connect with those who support us.

 If our loved ones have ostracised us, it’s all the more important to surround ourselves with a new community. We know that this is a daunting prospect, but there are places where we can find people who care. For example, we could share our reluctance with a mentor we trust in the office, and they can help us convey it to management. Or we could talk with a friend. Survivors tell us that they have found support in other survivors of image-based abuse. And this right here, Bloom, is also a community. 

by reminding ourselves of all the ways we’ve looked out for ourselves. We’ll be talking about this in more detail in 

. For more reflections on trust-building, feel free to explore the bonus content. 

Now, thinking about how we have been betrayed, can also lead us to feel anger.

 It’s completely normal to be really angry with how the abuse has or continues to impact us. We may be carrying anger towards ourselves, our abuser, and those around us. That’s okay. 

The anger may not have a specific direction or shape. It may bubble up randomly, hit us in waves, or be a constant, underlying presence. We may not recognise it, or even know it exists. From mild frustration to rage, it differs for everyone. We may project it onto others, be cold or sarcastic with them or avoid them.

 We may feel angry at people who fail to intervene or support us, as well as those who don’t understand our trauma. We may feel angry at tech companies, porn websites, or social media platforms for their inadequate actions. We may feel angry that we had to provide evidence to get the abuser blocked or our images removed. We may feel angry at the police for not registering our complaints or the court for dismissing our case. 

 We may feel angry that the abuser is free to abuse others and has not experienced the consequences we have. We may feel angry at those who circulated our images. We may feel angry at the circumstances, the memories we have to live with, and the healing work we have to do.

As you think about this anger, we want to reference a Tweet, from user @apocalynds: 

“I wanna share something my therapist said about anger that blew my mind: ‘Your anger is the part of you that knows your mistreatment and abuse are unacceptable. Your anger knows you deserve to be treated well, and with kindness. Your anger is a part of you that LOVES you’.”

 Anger, like all our feelings, is information. Our mind’s way of telling us that we experienced something traumatic or unjust! It’s important to listen to our anger and understand how it feels, where it’s coming from, and then decide how it should be directed. 

 Maybe our anger is helping us cope with fear, so we can regain safety and control. Our anger can also be a reminder of how little others want us to be safe. We are allowed to be upset. We can feel our anger fully. We need not be afraid of acknowledging it.

Though being angry is our right, this emotion needs an outlet or it can spill over. For example, we can lash out at people in our support system or push them away, which will isolate us further when we need community and intimacy. Some of us may struggle with expressing our anger. 

 Perhaps this was not an emotion we were allowed to express as a child. Over time, anger can build up and cause us to feel frustrated and miserable.

Let’s try an exercise. These questions might give us a clue about how we identify and process the anger we may be carrying and what triggers this.

1. When was the last time I was really angry? For example, maybe we read an article that reminded us of our experience.

2. How did I know I was angry? Think about bodily experiences like an increased heart rate, burning cheeks, clenched fists, and tense muscles. And heightened emotions. 

3. What did I do when I was really angry? Did I tell someone? Was I impulsive? Did I pretend everything was okay or cry? Did I project my anger onto others?

4. Is there anything that helps me when I’m feeling very angry? This could be anything from deep breathing to calling a friend, writing a post, contacting a helpline or watching our favourite film. 

That was an intense exercise, wasn’t it? Did you learn anything new about your anger? Once we determine what triggers our anger, we can let it complete its cycle by letting it out or by calming it down. To release it, we can do something like vigorous exercise, scream into a pillow, or even punch a punching bag. 

To calm our anger, we can talk to a friend, take a walk, or do a grounding exercise. You can also write about it or reflect with us in our 1-1 chat. 

Head back to the main video now or take another mini-session.