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Video transcript

It's hard to identify exactly how trauma might be impacting our relationships. It can be more nuanced than an overall sense of unsafety that keeps us from socialising. We all differ in how much we enjoy meeting people or how many close friends we need to feel content. Our activity today will help you reflect on your relationships, and it can bring up a lot of emotions.

Grab a piece of paper. We’ll draw a ‘circle of trust’. What does that mean? Draw two circles, like a Venn diagram, which overlap in the middle. One circle is for the people you trusted before the abuse. And the other is for those you trust now. In the middle, write the names of people you have trusted at both times. Notice, without self-judgement or blame, who goes into which part? Who are the people you trust? Or perhaps there is no one in that category, except yourself. Trust yourself to recognise who, if anyone, is deserving of your trust. Know that you can always build a new community when possible. We can also do this exercise by visualising a room full of people we used to trust. Did anyone leave the room after the abuse? Who stayed behind? 

Trust, like respect or love, isn’t some absolute emotion — it results from people’s behaviour. So let’s give ourselves the space to process all feelings that come with betrayal: hurt, shock, confusion, anger, grief, and more. We may be feeling some of these right now. And it makes sense if our ability to trust was impacted.

Likewise, we can give ourselves space to feel the emotions when our trust is reciprocated: safety, comfort, joy, love, acceptance, and wholeness. Maybe there’s someone we came to trust afterwards such as a mental healthcare practitioner who helped us cope, a casual friend who checked in or a supportive new partner.

Whether negative or positive, we may be feeling some of these feelings right now. It’s good to give them release, so if you feel comfortable, maybe reach out to someone you trust. It’s up to you, and it’s not necessary. However you do this exercise, allow yourself to reflect on the trust and love you deserve.

Bonus Content: Activity: Trigger-mapping and planning

Bonus Content: Flashbacks

Bonus Content: How abusive partners may use image-based abuse

We explore the social context of image-based abuse and learn tools for processing our emotions, understanding our responses, and healing from trauma. We remind ourselves that we are not to blame. 

Image-based abuse and rebuilding ourselves

Week 1

Week 2

Week 3

Week 4

Week 5

Week 6

Week 7

Overview

We realise the impact of triggers, hypervigilance and dissociation on our lives and understand these responses to trauma. We reflect on how our ability to trust others may have also been affected and how we might rebuild this after image-based abuse.

Understanding our responses to image-based abuse

Session 3

‘Image-based abuse and rebuilding ourselves

’. This is Nooreen, and this is Francesca, and we’re so glad to be here with you today.

 Let’s think back to the last session and the information that resonated most with us. 

 What I really liked was exploring the topic of guilt and shame. And being reminded that it’s not our fault.

 Absolutely. I think for me it was the step-by-step process for how to trust others after feeling betrayed. And I’m interested in learning more about this today. 

Now that we’ve considered our emotions, it’s time to focus on other responses we may have to image-based abuse.

 Let’s close our eyes. We’ll notice the sensations we feel on our body, focusing on how our clothes are touching us. You can pick whatever works for you, such as the temperature or wind in the space you are in or the surfaces your body is touching. 

Let’s sit still and notice what we’re wearing. How do the clothes feel? Are they soft, rough, tight or loose? What does the inside of your shirt feel like? Is it scratchy, cool, warm, light, or heavy? Let’s take some deep breaths and relax our bodies. 

Notice how your feet feel. Are they covered in shoes or socks? Where are they resting? What does that surface feel like? Somewhere on your body, can you feel heat or maybe a bit chilly? Continue observing these sensations. 

When you’re ready, open your eyes now. If there’s something you need to adjust to be more comfortable, do that.

 Now let’s get started with one response we may have to trauma. We’re talking about 

which are sounds, sights, smells, and other sensory experiences that remind us of a trauma. For example, we may find it triggering to use the apps that were used to abuse us. Specific triggers might be receiving a notification or even the sound of someone else getting a notification. 

It could be someone taking our “candid” picture without us knowing, setting off embarrassment, anger, and a very heightened stress response. While there are some common triggers for particular types of trauma, usually triggers are very varied and unique to our personal experience. 

When we are triggered, powerful physical sensations that occurred during the abuse can be experienced again, making it difficult to feel present. These are called

and you can learn more about them in our 

. No matter how often or how severely we’re triggered, knowing that a trigger might come at random can make us feel really unsafe in our bodies. Like we cannot depend on them. We may not even realise we were triggered until later. Flashbacks that disconnect us from our bodies are a form of 

. We’ll go into more detail about this soon. 

 The experience of image-based abuse could itself trigger emotions or memories of past abuse. We also know that sometimes different kinds of abuse are happening simultaneously. For example, rapists may record an assault and circulate the video, which means that we survived both physical assault and image-based abuse. Coming across the video would naturally be a trigger of the physical assault.

We can try to recognise our triggers and figure out ways to cope. Of course, this isn’t always easy because technology is often a necessity in our lives. Still, there are some steps we can take. For example, we might want to turn notifications off for most apps. Or take our supportive friends and family into confidence about asking for our permission before taking or sharing our visuals. For a detailed activity on trigger mapping, check out 

. We’ll also talk about digital boundaries and self-care in 

Any reactions, such as anger or fear, that we have to triggers are valid. As long as we don’t harm anyone, no one can tell us we’re wrong to feel this way. There is a reason why our triggers exist in the first place; our mind and body are trying to protect us. 

Now we know from modern neuroscience that trauma has a long-lasting impact on the body. We learnt about this in our 

, so if you’ve not seen that yet, jump there to explore it now. After trauma, our bodies either go into a 

hypervigilant state or a state of numbness, called dissociation

In both states, we can experience stress, anxiety, depression, increased heart rate, palpitations, and many other bodily “symptoms” associated with post-traumatic distress – and they can be exhausting to manage. We might feel on edge all the time, hypervigilant for a threat.

 could look like having difficulty sleeping because we want to monitor our social media or different websites. Or we might avoid public places that remind us of the abuse, check our surroundings for cameras, and be suspicious of people if they even ask our name. This is completely normal and understandable. Alternatively, we might 

 Maybe we feel so uncomfortable in our skin that we “shut down”: we disengage from the world around us to regain a sense of control and make everything feel less raw. We might feel empty, have gaps in our memory, feel like we are in a dream, or that we’re watching ourselves. For example, we might freeze in our interactions with strangers. 

Or we might stop thinking about consequences and do spontaneous things that are uncharacteristic of us, such as hooking up with strangers more than we did before the abuse. Others might tell us we’re engaging in so-called “risky” behaviour. Or we might alternate between disengagement and spontaneity. 

 Actually, these actions serve a purpose by making us feel something other than numbness and letting us tolerate what is difficult to bear. Sometimes, we can end up in a continuous cycle of disappointment, despair, and low self-esteem long after the abuse is over.

This cycle of hypervigilance and dissociation can be explained by our body’s stress response, put into action by our nervous system. 

This is the 3Fs or the flight, fight or freeze response. 

Our trauma didn’t necessarily happen in a single moment. It might have been a series of explicit pictures sent to us, or the threat of our abuser sharing our visuals, or a video that we didn’t find out was being taken until later. 

But our mind and body are in a constant state of alertness. Or numbing things out as a response to perceived danger. To learn more about the 3Fs, 

‘Reclaiming Resilience in Your Trauma Story,’

Recognising that we are experiencing hypervigilance or dissociation can be difficult. This might be the first time we are hearing about these concepts. Or we might have been living this way for some time so it may be hard for us to fully recognise how it has affected us. 

There may be a cultural stigma around mental health in our society. Others might consider us “weak” for experiencing post-traumatic stress or seeking support for our mental health. But we have the right to take steps for our well-being. 

One way we can manage hypervigilance or dissociation is by connecting with the present moment by using grounding exercises. You can also explore more grounding exercises on our platform. Deep breathing or exercising can also help. Another way is by planning for exposure to the triggers that can set off these states. You’ll find out how to do this in 

 One of the primary aspects of our lives that trauma impacts is our relationships and interactions with others. It's very common to start projecting distrust into the world at large, at every level of engagement. We no longer feel that we can rely on the world being a safe place or trust that people will respect our privacy and not hurt us intentionally.

The betrayal comes from the abuser, but also those who viewed, shared, liked or reacted to our visuals; potentially an unknown number of people due to the way the internet works. This makes us feel isolated from others and yet exposed to their judgement.

Besides blaming us, people may try to talk us out of our legitimate feelings, saying things like, “I just care about your reputation. That’s why I said you shouldn’t have sent those pictures.” This can make us doubt ourselves and our relationships and make it difficult to decide who is trustworthy. 

Our trust might also be shaken because a loved one is the abuser or an accomplice. We have bonus material on abusive partners who use image-based abuse if that’s been your experience. 

We may not pick up on it straight away, or it might not present itself obviously — but we might find ourselves assuming bad intentions or negative outcomes, feeling insecure about how we are perceived, or just finding it difficult to seek or accept help. 

We might think: Why is this person interested in me? Are they going to Google me? When do I share my history with others? What if they don’t believe me? What if they tell my family?

If we have identified a pattern we keep getting caught in, how can we step out of it? Well, let’s ask ourselves some questions. Crucially, there are no right or wrong answers. The aim is to identify what's happening and find new patterns. 

Nooreen: 1- So we ask ourselves: “What am I feeling?” 

Possible feelings might be: unsafe, violated, anxious, helpless, angry, or upset. This is not an exhaustive list, just one to get you started. 

Francesca: 2- Next, we ask “Have I felt like this before?” 

This will help us connect important dots and identify patterns. Can you think of other relationships or times you have felt like this? What are the similarities and differences?

Nooreen: 3- And lastly, “What change needs to happen for me to feel differently?” 

This could be changes in the relationship, ourselves, the other person, or the setting.

Let’s consider an example. Say we’re at a conference and we feel that a photographer is taking our pictures, although they are just covering the event. Maybe we feel angry that they pointed their camera at us. Maybe some years earlier, someone took a picture of us at a party and circulated it without our consent, which led to abusive trolling. 

So how can we trust this photographer? Maybe we ask about their credentials. Or maybe we request that they don’t take our pictures and let them know where we’ll be so they can avoid us. Or we ask them if they can delete our photos. If nothing else really helps, maybe we can remove ourselves from the situation. 

Now what about close relationships? Let’s think of another scenario. Our mom shared our picture with a friend, and we are upset that she didn’t ask for our permission. This triggered us because our ex-partner shared our picture with their friend, who turned it into a deep fake. 

What can we do about this? We can ask our mom to always tell us when she shares our pictures. Or request that she never share our images without our permission. Or let her know that we feel okay to video call or meet her friend in person, but not with our images being shared. If we feel like it would be helpful, we can let her know why this is important to us and how it makes us feel. 

The most important thing to remember is that asking for these things doesn’t mean we’re being difficult. Or that we have to explain why we need this. It’s our right to have our privacy respected without having to share our trauma.

The reflection process we’ve identified takes time. It will take some trial and error to figure out what feels right, build emotional awareness, and establish which people we can communicate safely with. You can arrive at an answer that works for you, in your own time! For more on trust, explore the 

 from Session 2. And remember, we deserve to be safe in offline and online spaces.

 Grab a piece of paper. We’ll draw a ‘circle of trust’. What does that mean? Draw two circles, like a Venn diagram, which overlap in the middle. One circle is for the people you trusted before the abuse. And the other is for those you trust now. In the middle, write the names of people you have trusted at both times. Notice, without self-judgement or blame, who goes into which part? Who are the people you trust? 

 Or perhaps there is no one in that category, except yourself. Trust yourself to recognise who, if anyone, is deserving of your trust. Know that you can always build a new community when possible. We can also do this exercise by visualising a room full of people we used to trust. Did anyone leave the room after the abuse? Who stayed behind? 

That brings us to the end of our session. We’ve learnt how responses like triggers, hypervigilance, and dissociation, may manifest after image-based abuse, as well as how we may trust others again.

anyone can be abused and it makes us REALLY angry that survivors are often held responsible

 we hope you believe it a little more. That said, even after knowing and believing it, we might feel a mixture of emotions. These feelings are valid and deserve our attention. 

As we say, image-based abuse can be as harmful as any other violence.

In our next session, we’ll dig deeper into how image-based abuse can impact our relationship with our body and body image. Until then, take care.